this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
