So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
