I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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