Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
