One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
