this beer tastes like vomit already
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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