I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
