I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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