did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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