I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
