...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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