saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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