maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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