ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
