i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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