I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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