I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
