Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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