SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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