life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
