I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
