if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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