Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
