Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
