Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize