Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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