Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
