That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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