How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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