I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize