I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sext me about skeletons
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
