you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
