I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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