looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
