My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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