He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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