i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
