I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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