cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we're chasing vodka with high fives
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
how does that bad decision feel?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
