My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
