i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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