Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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