Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
