i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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