On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was confusing and full of hummus
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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