Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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