What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
