I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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