All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
