I wish you could order shots online.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
