i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
