3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
