i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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