I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You are a genius and a whore.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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