I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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