party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
